My Fat Woman, Will you Marry Me?

This poem was inspired by a comedian named “Gordon” at a recent comedy event dubbed “A Night of a Thousand Laughs”. He left me in stitches as he praised fat women. He said that he does not like them slim. He wants them “obvious”, the ones who are “matter” who can occupy space and that even in the Bible it says that people should “occupy” till the Lord comes. He said that he hates “cat-walk” and that cats are not the only animals. We also have hippopotamuses and elephants, he said. The only problem he had was that it was written that narrow was the way and that it would be difficult for them to enter the kingdom of God.

At the outset, let me apologize to my “slim” ladies. This poem might offend you. I advice that you skip reading it altogether. But if you do, then I will not accept responsibility. But you can decide to have fun, anyway. Tongue-in-cheek.

~

Come now, sweet one, I marry you,

For you have the qualities of a woman I want

I would go against the grain

Of TVs and fashion shows

Showing underfed women walking

Bones protruding from their shoulders

Miserable legs balancing on dais

This world went mad, Sweet one,

When it glorified women who did not eat

Cassava and yams and were plump and voluptuous

That is not my woman, no,

Pluck the cables, disconnect the TV

That is not the woman I want

I want a woman who fills half of my house

If I rest my head on her, I need no pillow

Times are hard, brother, and a little solace we must find

Pray, how will you find it on a bony rib-cage?

I want a woman who will walk in the marketplace

And others will notice her presence,

I heard women want attention, that much I will solve,

I want her big and fat, I want her curvaceous

A fat woman is the one I want

The one who will sit on two chairs

And feel “adequate”, that is my woman

We dwell in the land of plenty

I want her not to betray our national anthem

I don’t want her to pretend

Even for a second to be offended

For being called “fat”

Because that is how she will roll

And for her towering beauty

She should not apologize to anyone

She should not feed sick business ideas

Like “Diets” and “Aerobics” or “Gym”

This is a well-calculated scheme

To make her feel worthless, then when her self-esteem

Hits the rock, hey, the counselors come in

To be fat is the in-thing

I see no problem with fats to show

Just ask underfed women who can’t  hit 45 kgs

To be endowed is nature’s gift

For a gift, dear, flaunt it, let it show

Come now, sweet one, I marry you,

The assuredness of your footsteps

Will win you over to my parents

The roundness of your upper arm

Will do the trick, my woman,

The flesh in your feet and in your cheeks

Will speak of “abundance”

This they will want from the woman

Of my children

We will live big, my woman,

Big Kingsize bed, big house, big car,

Don’t worry, our door will be custom-made

You will enter it, not sideways but

As you do in a supermarket

So erase those silly images

Of underfed women

My heart melts away seeing you fat and plump,

Don’t reduce one adipose of it, or else you will break my heart,

My fat woman, will you marry me?