Sunday, 17 June 2012

My Fat Woman, Will you Marry Me?

This poem was inspired by a comedian named “Gordon” at a recent comedy event dubbed “A Night of a Thousand Laughs”. He left me in stitches as he praised fat women. He said that he does not like them slim. He wants them “obvious”, the ones who are “matter” who can occupy space and that even in the Bible it says that people should “occupy” till the Lord comes. He said that he hates “cat-walk” and that cats are not the only animals. We also have hippopotamuses and elephants, he said. The only problem he had was that it was written that narrow was the way and that it would be difficult for them to enter the kingdom of God.

At the outset, let me apologize to my “slim” ladies. This poem might offend you. I advice that you skip reading it altogether. But if you do, then I will not accept responsibility. But you can decide to have fun, anyway. Tongue-in-cheek.


Come now, sweet one, I marry you,
For you have the qualities of a woman I want
I would go against the grain
Of TVs and fashion shows
Showing underfed women walking
Bones protruding from their shoulders
Miserable legs balancing on dais

This world went mad, Sweet one,
When it glorified women who did not eat
Cassava and yams and were plump and voluptuous
That is not my woman, no,
Pluck the cables, disconnect the TV
That is not the woman I want

I want a woman who fills half of my house
If I rest my head on her, I need no pillow
Times are hard, brother, and a little solace we must find
Pray, how will you find it on a bony rib-cage?

I want a woman who will walk in the marketplace
And others will notice her presence,
I heard women want attention, that much I will solve,
I want her big and fat, I want her curvaceous

A fat woman is the one I want
The one who will sit on two chairs
And feel “adequate”, that is my woman
We dwell in the land of plenty
I want her not to betray our national anthem

I don’t want her to pretend
Even for a second to be offended
For being called “fat”
Because that is how she will roll
And for her towering beauty
She should not apologize to anyone

She should not feed sick business ideas
Like “Diets” and “Aerobics” or “Gym”
This is a well-calculated scheme
To make her feel worthless, then when her self-esteem
Hits the rock, hey, the counselors come in
To be fat is the in-thing
I see no problem with fats to show
Just ask underfed women who can’t  hit 45 kgs
To be endowed is nature’s gift
For a gift, dear, flaunt it, let it show

Come now, sweet one, I marry you,
The assuredness of your footsteps
Will win you over to my parents
The roundness of your upper arm
Will do the trick, my woman,
The flesh in your feet and in your cheeks
Will speak of “abundance”
This they will want from the woman
Of my children

We will live big, my woman,
Big Kingsize bed, big house, big car,
Don’t worry, our door will be custom-made
You will enter it, not sideways but
As you do in a supermarket

So erase those silly images
Of underfed women
My heart melts away seeing you fat and plump,
Don’t reduce one adipose of it, or else you will break my heart,
My fat woman, will you marry me?


jayne kukat said...

simply great.this is an award winning poem!!

echoesofthehills said...

Thank you so much, Jayne. You must have had a laugh, didn't you?

jayne kukat said...

o yeah, was in laughter,especially the part that goes, Don’t reduce one adipose of it, or else you will break my heart...

echoesofthehills said...

Ha ha ha. I really enjoyed it myself.

Susan Daniels said...

Wow, this was great :)

Still grinning.

madhumakhi said...

Underfed is sick but morbidly obese is positively revolting. Chubbily fat is charming. But we have to draw a line somewhere isn't it?

echoesofthehills said...

Thanks Susan Daniels and Behen.

Behen, mmmh, your descriptions. Yes, chubbily fat is charming. hehe. And yes, we need to draw a line somewhere.

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